10 things I would do if I won the lotto

Yesterday my mom called me and urged me to buy a Powerball lotto ticket. “It’s $500 million. You can’t win if you don’t play,” she said. I sighed, and informed her that the odds of winning are worse than the odds of earning it. I don’t have actual numbers to substantiate my claim, but I’m pretty sure she’s not going to fact check me. (I learned it from watching Romney) That being said, I bought two Powerball tickets and began dreaming of what I would do if I won the lotto. Aside from giving money to family, friends, and charity, what would you do? Here’s my list…

1. Find the childhood homes of my enemies, bulldoze it, and turn into a helipad. (When you’re rich, the people you don’t like are called enemies)

2. Buy a helicopter for my new helipads.

3. Buy a 100 acres in Tanzania, build some cottages and a farm. (For when World War III or the zombie apocalypse happens. No Country for Undead Men)

4. Buy ATV’s, shotguns, bullets, and an apparatus that launches melons for target practice (Can’t be to safe e.g. Zombieland)

5. Get the first paragraph of I Live: a novel without heroes tattooed on my chest. (Like the bible verses that everyone used to get back in the “I think I’m 2Pac” days)

6. Buy a swimming pool for the Tanzanian getaway and fill it with solid gold ball bearings. (I’m going to get my Scrooge McDuck on)

7. I’d film myself using the earlier mentioned melon launcher to skeet shoot alarm clocks. The title… “Killing Time’ Cause I’m Rich Bitch, an A.D. Wright Joint, Narrated by Morgan Freeman” (It’s like a Tribe called Quest. You have to say the whole thing. Yes, every time.)

8. Buy a beloved work of art and smash it to pieces while filming it for Youtube (I’m going to be bus driver uppercut famous)

9. Take a vacation to different “gentleman’s clubs” across the world and document my journey. (I’ll call it “Eat, Love you while I’m in town, Pay”)

10. Invest in whatever chemical is used to cut coke. (Scared money don’t make money!)