If you ask me, I’m ready

relationships

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A good relationship is derived from a complex formula of personality, attraction and timing. Attractiveness and compatibility are solely based on your personal preferences. Some women adore a man with a sense of humor while other women prefer a serious man and would see a comical man as “corny.” Similarly, one man might see a woman as too skinny while another man might view that same woman as too fat. People who claim to have no preference usually haven’t taken the time to analyze themselves well enough to know and articulate what they want, which brings me to the main factor… Timing.

A common excuse used by men who are not ready to commit is, “I’m not at a level in my career… blah, blah, blah.” And for women, the popular excuse is, “I just got out of a relationship… blah, blah, blah.” Both self-centered excuses leaves the significant other feeling like their time and energy has been wasted.

Why do we lie to ourselves and others about our intentions in a relationship??? Because, the truth usually won’t get you what you want.

Ladies, how would you respond if a man told you the following on the first date? “At the moment, I am financially unstable and feeling inadequate since I cannot protect and provide for you or a future family. I am however, in the sexual prime of my life and do enjoy having a date in social settings. So, would you care to have casual sex with me and accompany me to social affairs while I sort things out mentally and financially with the known possibly that I may leave you after I become the man I am expected to be?”

Guys how would you respond if a woman told you the following on the first date? “I am an immature woman who has been lying to herself about being a ‘Grown ass Woman’ since I was 14 years old. As a result, I’ve never taken the time to understand the motives behind my actions nor map out what things are truly important to me. I tend to date men who are absolutely terrible for me and my self-esteem, which has caused me to be somewhat emotionally and psychologically damaged. Would you like to provide me with the love, physical affection and support I need, while I constantly reject you and eventually leave you for a man who will cheat on me but allow me to begin the cycle over again?”

Daters, why are you entering into a relationship if you are unwilling and/or unprepared to let it progress organically? The opportunity to find some one who you can love and cherish forever may not be infinite. Every person you date will not be “the one for you” but if “the one” comes along you better be ready.

11 Replies to “If you ask me, I’m ready”

  1. Dani says:

    My response to a guy telling me that would be a lot better than eventually finding out a great deal of issues or in securities later. I will respect open honesty before false hope any day. I’m not looking for a man w/ it all. I just want a man w/ potential and drive so that we may grow together.

  2. Jackie Z says:

    A relationship can derive from a complex formula of personality, attraction and timing..however these things are not the majors in forming or maintaining a good/healthy relationship. I do feel that alot of people think these are the main things to focus on while finding a mate..at the same time I think these points being the main focal point are the reasons why people fail in finding the right person for themselves. I think the focal points when looking at a person to be in a serious relationship with should be character. Is this person respectable of themselves, others and you, are they maturity, Do they practice integrity..are they good people?

    It’s also so easy to focus on is the other person right however have you analyzed yourself lately? Are you a person who is mature looking for something serious, ready to stop playing with peoples hearts, ready to stop being selfish and using people?

    I would respect a man that made the statement above…why? because he is honest..he doesn’t feel ready but he wants to get down, this man stands out as a man who knows exactly what he wants…he might not be telling the things I feel I WANT to hear but he respects me enough to tell me the exact truth…okay at this point he leaves the ball in my court for me to make a decision

    I think people are getting into relationships all fast and crazy..thinking that things just fall together.A relationship is work…its takes people being vulnerable and being open and putting in WORK..The only way to be vulnerable is to know who you are..the good and bad about yourself and accept it and work on it. You have to know yourself to know what you want..and if you stick to attraction, personality (which initially is a front)… really.. good luck…

    Check a persons reaction when their chips are down, do they take care of their kids..how do they treat people, exs, their mom..all of these are telling…

  3. Reggie says:

    I would have to politely decline that offer. I can deal w/ the emotions and everything. But to build her up just for her to up and leave…..no buddy. It would suck to get her on the right path for her to just up and leave.

  4. Ms. Sanders says:

    Ultimately, both men and women are looking for the same thing, someone who will love us unconditionally. We tend to self sabotage ourselves by not being honest with ourselves and each other, out of fear of getting hurt. We all have baggage and it will take a conscious effort not to let that baggage prevent us from allowing ourselves to take a chance on love. Taking a chance on Love can be a very scary thing especially if the timing is not write for both parties involved.
    And as for the questions listed above: I think it depends on the age of the person’s involved. Myself being a women over the age of 30, would have a issue with a man telling me that.

  5. ky says:

    No I wouldnt be able to accept the above statment from a man but I would appreciate the honesty. I do agree that attraction, personality, and timing are key and I will also attest that it has definitely caused some issues in my relationships. An honestly I think the truth, telling it and more importantly ACCEPTING it will get you what you want, maybe not at this second but in due time. People are afraid to bet, thinking if I don’t do it now I can’t – thats a lie!! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU ARE READY IF YOU REALLY WANT TO!!!

    Our problem is that we are humans that have been conditioned to present complete finished projects/works of art. So when we meet a person of course if everything in our lives isnt together (or acceptable in our eyes) we are naturally hesitant and insecure, thus causing all types of mayheim in a relationship. When someone comes across that “one” a lot of times they think 1 of 2 ways:

    #1 – I need to relax/get some distance to get myself on par with the love of my life so I have a chance to keep them because if I don’t they may see my all of my imperfections, decide its too much and leave me for good.
    #2 – I’m gonna hold on for dear life no matter what

    I think a lot of people go for one because they are very afraid of presenting something they know is incomplete for fear of receiving a failing grade (losing the person) for not being together. People can accept she/he left because I cheated or something stupid but when a person leaves you and says: “I left because you ain’t got your ish together!” It damages a persons confidence and self-image, so they continue to question and feel they need to get it together before anyone will have them. As for #2 I really don’t know because I’ve learned from childhood that if you hold something too tight you will no doubt kill it anyways.

    But anyway either option results in a mess most times because in option 1 he/she that asks for the distance/time is punished. The mate takes the “you didn’t want me when I wanted you” mentality and its a wrap. In option 2 the relationship is suffocated because people are so deathly afraid of being alone for even one minute for fear they can’t be together again.

    What’s the big deal with being ready at a certain time? Let’s face it a lot of the time you aren’t so why force it? Why do people and relationships have to happen when you say: HAPPEN? I say it’s okay to tell me “it’s not right, right now.” That doesn’t mean good bye forever. Go on get right, let me get right, and when we are right & ready I’ll be here for you. And even if you come back and everything isn’t perfect (as likely would be the case b/c no one is) if you are that one you we can still live happily ever after.

    If we are the one for each other we’ll both know it then, now, and tomorrow. When a person is that one you won’t be able to shake them or they you. You will get mad, get involved with other people all kinds of stuff. But when you lay in your bed at night, close your eyes, stop the fronting you do all day for people and even yourself at times and if you can say that having that person next to you over everyone else would be awesome – that’s the one. And just because they aren’t there right now, or weren’t ready when you said GO doesn’t mean it can’t be. Stop checking your watch people, what’s meant for you is meant just for you now and later…

  6. aka Tito says:

    @Ky thank you for expounding. I think the problem with saying “Go on get right, let me get right, and when we are right & ready I’ll be here for you” is that it returns us to our me-centered world. As you stated early, people believe they need to be finished works of art before they get into a relationship. In all actuality, no one will ever be “finished” until their dead and time has run out. We are letting a preconceived notion create mass loneliness… which is more than apparent in Atlanta.

    @Ms Sanders I agree. I think fear plays a big part in it. I do not agree that age is a factor. Some people mature faster, slower, or not at all. And as we all know maturity and age don’t always match.

    @Reggie I know when it’s said blatantly it sounds cruel but that situation is sugar coated with “good intentions” everyday

    @Jackie I think we are saying the same thing, you are just breaking down the terms I used into more specific sub-terms. I believe “personality” encompasses a persons level of integrity, character, and respect.

    @Dani if “I will respect open honesty before false hope any day.” is true than you are better than most of us. People get high on hope. Think about it… get rich quick, get slim quick, etc. all prey on people who cling to false hope.

    @All thank you for taking the time to post a comment. I appreciate it.

  7. JR Reid says:

    Being open and up front is the key. Some people hide behind a false identity to gain the trust of another and in the end when it comes to light, it can be ugly. You feel like,”Is that what I signed up for?”

    That’s why I believe that the divorce rate in this day and age is at a ridiculous rate. People need to reflect on those vows that they take after they walk down the aisle.

    Even before it gets to that level, think about the infamous scene in ‘I’m Gonna Git You Sucka’ when Jack Spade met Cherry. She did that thing with her tongue and he was hooked but once he went upstairs she took off that wig, fake eye lashes and one leg. He was like I’m good. Brings a whole new meaning to you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

    Move Clip for your reference:
    URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-1C6QlvHl8

  8. Nikki D says:

    I think if a man were to be that open and honest with not only me, but more importantly himself, I would be very impressed. Both men and women, at times, seem to go above and beyond to impress someone who may not become an important part of their lives. I would respect a man being so open about his personal life.

    Would I or suggest a girlfriend of mine to date such a man? Well, I feel that is another conversation with “self” that needs to be addressed. Where am I? What do I want? Am I ready to give? Am I ready to share? Personally, I am at a point in my life where I feel I am not ready to see one person “exclusively”. I feel its fair to put that out there in the beginning of that person pursuing me. Maybe it’s baggage I have, maybe I was burnt one too many times, maybe I’m focused on goals that are not quite accomplished just yet, but whatever the reason, it starts with me…being honest with self.

    When it’s my time, when I’m ready to…oh how exquisite. No more feelings of life being a tragic joke when it comes to, love…relationships…honesty…faith… candidness. The meaning of existence…

  9. tripppleR says:

    Although daters may not be THAT transparent with each other, it would be really helpful. I think that perhaps this may be harder for those earlier in their dating prime (the 20s,) but those in their early, mid and late 30s, if you have these conversations, it makes dating SO MUCH EASIER.

    I always share with a man that I am now ready to be a wife and a mother. Some have said- ‘Why say that, you’ll scare him away.’ And my answer is “GOOD.” I can weed out those who aren’t ready, and save myself a ton of time.

    At the end of the day, a man will be ready, when he’s ready. I think it’s very mature and responsible to express to a woman that he’s not quite prepared to dedicate his time to a complete relationship.

    The surprising thing may be, he’ll find a woman who feels the exact same way. It’s a win-win.

    Good thoughts, Tito.
    RRR

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  11. […] Have we become to “busy” to be social? I wrote a blog a couple of weeks ago called If you ask me, I’m ready. That post focused on an individual’s responsibility for his/her own loneliness. This post […]

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